What is love?

Image courtesy of digitalart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Has there ever been someone you have struggled to love? A family member? One of our daughters has been a challenge for me pretty much from the start. We thought our family was complete with three children, but God knew that with three children, it was too easy for me to rely on myself instead of leaning on Him. 

I was head over heals in love with our fourth child, knowing that she probably would be our last. She was (and still is) funny and filled with joy. Along with her Daddy, she was challenging me to be less serious. Then her determined nature began to show itself. I should have known we were in for quite a ride when she was about eighteen months old and told me "No, that!" as I took an outfit from the dresser that she did not want to wear.

The more I did things that seemed loving - an extra story, letting her choose an outfit, ... - the more she wanted. I said no to more in an effort to preserve my sanity. Then she became more difficult and I felt my heart start to harden towards her. At some point I realized love isn't always pretty, sometimes it has to say no, stand firm, and endure the backlash. I just didn't know how to love this little girl God gave us to raise.

What is love anyway? Is it mushy, gushy feelings?  Is it just feelings of deep affection for someone? It really goes far beyond feelings. Jesus tells us to love our enemies! You can't do that on feelings alone. I think God's love is based on the high value He places on each person, the same value He wants us to place on people.

Jesus says that the greatest commandment is to love God and that the second is like it - love your neighbor as you love yourself. I can try to do that, but my selfish nature really doesn't want to put much effort into loving others. I mean what have they done for me anyway?

Then in John 15:12, He gives a new commandment:
"...that you love one another, just as I have loved you."
That will look a lot different than loving as I love myself. And a lot better.

I know there is only one way to love like that - lay down all that I hold onto that gets in the way and let God love through me. That is scary. The things I hold onto are what keep this protective wall built around me so no one can see the insecure, frightened woman behind the "has it altogether" facade.

As I started to consider how God loves us and what that would look like if I live it out, I headed to my concordance. I just love research, digging into a topic to learn all I can. I searched for all of the places the Bible tells us about God's love.

I found some of its characteristics: it provides and protects, is just, merciful, everlasting, lavish, unchanging,  compassionate, sacrificial, tenacious, and for everyone.

Somewhere in the middle of all that study, all that knowledge I was trying to stuff into my head, I realized I had missed something vital:

God's love isn't learned by studying it.

Image courtesy of phanlop88 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

We learn how God loves by LOVING others and experiencing God's love ourselves.

I understand God's compassionate love when I walk through cancer with a friend.

I understand God's sacrificial love when I give up my desires in order to serve.

I understand God's unconditional love as we raise our children.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really know how to love, not like God does anyway. If I want to know more about God's love, I have to let go of my fears (which usually are the result of my selfishness and pride) and just love people more. I can learn how to do that by watching those who really know how to love and by soaking up God's love letter to me.

It has been a rocky ride, but that little girl is eighteen now. She loves Jesus with all her heart and loves people, especially children. She has stretched me, often to the breaking point. Maybe that is the point - I have to be broken before I can love as God does. There have been many times I have cried out to God asking Him to teach me to love her - I'm still learning.

An Emotional Transition - Life after being a full-time mom

The other day I took this mug out of the dishwasher and started bawling...

 because I didn't see these beautiful young ladies.

Photo by Gabrielle Handwerk

 Those grins made me think of these little girls who used to play and giggle as they ran through our home.

Photo by Dan Blackwood

The little blond is a college freshman and the brown-haired sweetie will graduate from college and get married in the spring.

This all left me wondering...

what's next for me.

I've been a full time mom for almost twenty five years. We home schooled for nine of those. The years when there were four (these cuties have an older brother and sister) little ones around my legs all wanting my attention at once were the most fulfilling years of my life so far. I was tired most of the time, and there were days that I wanted to quit, but my days were filled with purpose and joy. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing what I was made to do. 

And now as our house empties, I wonder where I am to pour all of the energy that went into nurturing and training our children.

Then that still small voice reminded me that my husband would love more of my time and attention. We have a good marriage and have worked to make time for each other, but it isn't the same as before kids. Then there are the friends who I've always longed to spend more time with. God will lead me if I trust Him to show me the way. 

And so I wept for:

 days gone by and the sweet little girls and boy who take part of me with them as they go,

and for the love in our daughter and her fiances eyes and a wedding that will give us another wonderful son,

and for joy as I look at who our children are and consider how God will use them to change their worlds,

and with fear as I wonder what employer will be willing to take a chance on a fifty plus year old whose only experience is managing our home and home school,

 and with  anticipation as I wait to see where God will call me next.

All of this makes me think of this quote:

E.E. Cummings

 I have more questions than answers right now, but I will trust that God has a plan and wait patiently (or sometimes not so patiently) to see where He leads.

Lord I Need You

I've been reading Ezekiel lately. This Old Testament prophet has reminded me again of how God kept calling Israel back to Him. They kept turning their backs on Him and chasing after the gods and ways of the cultures in the area where they had settled. God loved them so much that every time His children ran away, He pursued them and restored His relationship with them.

I'm struggling right now with the mistakes I've made, especially as a parent. We have a wedding coming up next summer and the joy that should mark this time is being marred by strained relationships. There were things I knew I was letting slide over the years that have resulted in distance between our children. I pray they will work through their differences soon and enjoy close friendships.

Like the Israelites, I need to ask for forgiveness from God and those I have hurt. Then I need to move forward knowing that God will meet me where I am, and guide me to where I should be. He loves me and longs for a relationship with me. God is for me and wants to help me to succeed.

God's word has also been reminding me that regardless of whether I am a full time homemaker, employed full time or somewhere in between, my true calling is to show God's love to everyone He brings into my path.

God teach me your ways.
Teach me to number my days.
Teach me to let go of self centered ways.
Teach me to love without fear.

The song Lord I Need You has been running through my head a lot lately. The only way I'll make it through each day is to acknowledge my dependance on God.

"Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You ."

                                           

Finding purpose in my days

 My Purpose

As our children have become busy with jobs, interests and activities, and have left for college,  I have found myself with time on my hands.  I need to know God’s purpose for my life, so I can find the best way to fill my days.

God’s answer to my cry: “To glorify Me.”

But how?  God’s answer was “by giving my very best to the task at hand and to quit worrying about a year from now, a week from now, or even an hour from now.”  So I will do the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cooking and cleaning, the planning and the homeschooling to the glory of God. In Taking Up Your Cross, Tricia McCary Rhodes,  answered my heart’s cry in a way I didn’t expect.

“The reason we don’t come to God when we’re busy, or tired, or
emotionally distraught is because we believe we come to give
instead of to get.  We see quiet times as our Christian responsibility
and therefore we must do them when we are strong and in good
spiritual condition.  But God doesn’t call us to Himself for what we
might bring, but that we might know the delight of finding our
deepest needs met in all that He is.  What really glorifies Him are
empty, needy people being filled and made whole by His
goodness.”

“When the driving passion of our life is to find joy and delight in the
pursuit of God’s glory, then we have discovered our reason for being. “

I believe part of glorifying God is showing others His glory.  Again, I have struggled with how to do that.  When Moses had been in God’s presence his face shone so brightly that the Israelites were frightened and he had to veil his face.  I think as we spend more time in God’s presence, His glory will overflow from our lives onto those around us.

I guess I will keep pursuing God and wait for Him to show me what to do next.

(Tricia’s website has a lot of articles and devotional materials http://www.soulatrest.com/index.html)

(Originally written July 3, 2008, but I am struggling with this again as I work myself out of a job.)

A mother's value

I came across a book a few weeks ago that I hadn't read in a while. (With hundreds of books in our bedroom alone, that happens often.) A Mom Just Like You, written by Vickie Farris, is an encouraging glimpse into what homeschooling and parenting look like in the Farris family. It reminded me why we are homeschooling and of the ultimate goal of parenting. For us, homeschooling has been more about relationships than academics. We cherish the closeness that has developed as we do life together. Our kids have done well academically, but more importantly, they have learned to love God and to serve others. I look back rather wistfully at the days when three of our four children were at home. I loved the time I was able to spend with them. Our baby is a senior in high school now, and our home school journey will soon come to an end, but the lessons learned by all of us, go with us for the rest of our lives.

Vickie ends her book with this:
"Just as Christ both used and transcended earthly elements like loaves, fishes, water, and wine, so will He both use and transcend the simply little acts of faithful service that mark our daily lives. God can do extraordinary things through moms just like you. I am confident that as you yield to Him, even in your frustration, fatigue and weakness, He will use you to impact the world in mighty ways. God can grow strong trees of righteousness-a mighty spiritual heritage-from our small seeds of service. Until then, let's simply be faithful to plant, water, and weed, expectantly waiting for God to give the increase."

In a world that places little value on motherhood, I often need to be reminded that what I do is important. Unlike many careers I could have chosen, motherhood has eternal value as I shape our children's minds and values and leave a legacy that will continue long after I am gone.

What home schooling has taught me

Have you ever really made a mess of things? I have, too many times to count. My selfishness and pride have caused so many problems with the people I love. I like to have things done my way, because that is the only right way. Of course, there are five other people in our house who think their way is the one that is correct. I have had to learn to let go of my expectations and accept other ways of thinking. Usually, the other way is as good as mine. And sometimes it is even better.

Homeschooling gives me many opportunities to lay down my ways - often after a battle. Of our children, the youngest is the most different from me, and the most headstrong. Pretty much every day, I have the chance to face my selfishness and pride as we learn to live and work together. I am not the person I would have been if we had chosen a different path to educate our children. I am much better for it. I cherish the relationships that have been forged in the last eight years and the ways God has used our children to change my heart.


We have just begun a year of "lasts". Jen will graduate from high school next spring. I anticipate a lot of tears (of sadness and joy) as we move into a new season of life. God has blessed us greatly as we have raised our family and I look forward to the way our relationships will continue to change and grow as our children move out on their own.

Everything in the Kitchen Sink

Many times in the last month, I have gotten frustrated by the never ending sink full of dirty dishes. It seems that by the time the dishwasher has been run and emptied, we have filled the sink and it starts again. I have actually been annoyed often in the last 20 plus years by the fact that vacuuming, dusting, laundry, dishes, etc. are never really finished. As a full time homemaker, mom, and homeschool "teacher", I rarely get to enjoy the fruit of my labors. The shining sink will be full of dirty dishes. The hamper will be full again. The cleaning will need to be done again next week. Lessons need to be planned and taught.

I have realized that I sometimes often have the wrong attitude about the things I do each day. Caring for my home and family full time is what God has called me to for now and I am grateful for the opportunity to pour myself into my husband's and children's lives. It can be a chore when I forget that  whatever I do should be done for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). I am reminded too of a verse about oxen in Proverbs (14:4). Here is my paraphrase for moms -Where there are no children, the kitchen is clean, but from the presence of family comes an abundance of joy. The needs of a family, especially when our children are young, can be overwhelming.

Day to day I don't see how the things I do make a difference, but as I look at our nearly grown children now, I see how my investment is bearing fruit. You may be discouraged today by an attitude, a cranky baby, tantrums, teenagers testing every limit, but you CAN do this. Don't stop working, investing, praying. We are so blessed that our children are becoming our friends. And I have almost worked myself out of a job - but that is another post for another day.

2 Cor 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.